Big Boys Don’t Cry
Geplaatst op 15-06-2026
Categorie: Lifestyle
My question has two parts:
First — I’m kind of a big guy, and I feel like a lot of women write me off as a potential boyfriend because of my size. I’ve heard that some women have a certain “type” of guy that they date, and they won’t consider anyone that doesn’t fit that mold. Is this true?
Second — Being so big and burly, the girls that do date me end up seeing me as more of a cuddly teddy bear than an assertive, confident man, and I get treated like a doormat. How can I portray myself as a self-assured player?
Jeremy from Portland
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Both of your questions reveal a fundamental flaw in your attitude. You’re too worried about conforming to the “ideal husband” image depicted in sitcoms and romantic comedies. But guess what, Jeremy? The nice-guy father of three that finds himself in a zany dilemma week after week is stuck in a loveless, mechanical marriage and hates his life.
Does mending Old Man Peppernickle’s fence or rescuing your son from the Romanian circus you mistakenly sold him to sound like a fun way to spend your free time, Jeremy? Because I’d prefer to spend mine picking up women.
Your size is nothing but an advantage. Do you think 10th-century Norse berserkers worried about their enormous, hulking frames squeezing into low-rise designer jeans? No — they were too busy looting villages and slaughtering the Irish. You should reinforce the impression that women get from your physique and make no apologies about your size.
Wear a bearskin pelt as a shirt and a lynx skull for a cap. Carry an axe with you at all times, and refuse to eat with anything other than your hands. A “cocktails” date should entail drinking mead from iron chalices; “dinner and a movie” consists of bludgeoning a wild animal and watching it cook over a spit. Women love to see a man’s primal instincts penetrate the masculinity filter enforced upon society by female talkshow hosts and reality television. It’s why Vin Diesel is such a box-office champion.
Ask yourself one question, Jeremy: Is being a behemoth a disadvantage in any other aspect of your life? If a door is locked or stuck, you can tear it down; if you encounter a long line of people at the grocery store, you can toss them aside like ragdolls. You’re blaming your poor results with women on something that is otherwise a thumbs-up from Darwin. It’s time to embrace your stature and put it to work.
The next time a woman you’re dating uses the phrase “friend,” “comfortable,” or “you’re welcome,” scream profanities and stomp your feet. Stop bathing and brushing your teeth, and let your beard grow down to your chest. Catch trout from a stream and eat them with your bare hands — it will be hard for a woman to compare you to a cuddly teddy bear if she literally thinks you’re a bloodthirsty grizzly. Embrace the vicious man held hostage in your modern-day exterior and you’ll never again be confused for a “nice guy.”
Stop living in fear of your body, Jeremy. Remember — the only thing that separates a grown man from a little boy is body hair and a few feet in height.